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WRITING  TASK  2

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Write about the following topic.

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Buying things on the Internet, such as books, air tickets and groceries, is becoming more and more popular.Do the advantages of shopping in this way outweigh the disadvantages?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

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Sample essay written by Nguyen Yen

In recent years, there has been a growing trend that people tend to buy things on the Internet. This present both pros and cos, however, in my opinion, its benefits are much more significant than the drawbacks.

Other sample essay

With the advent of technological advancement, 21st century has witnessed a boom in e-commerce. The number of online shopping websites is increasing exponentially. Shopping online has its upsides and downsides but the positives of this technological blessing far outweighs its negatives.

Firstly, online shopping saves one from travel and traffic problems. I live in the outskirts of Karachi and commuting to the city for buying stuff is not an easy task for me. Further, Karachi is an overly-populated city with the worst traffic situation, all this makes it more difficult to travel. This problem is hugely resolved by the e-buying facility. Everything is simply a click away, whether it is groceries, air tickets, clothes or books. Whatever I order is duly received at my doorstep, without my having to embark on long, hectic shopping-trips.

Secondly, buying things on the internet provides you with a wide range of options. Consider yourself in a gigantic super-mart having access to every type of item you can imagine! On the internet there is no physical space limitation, therefore the variety available for a single item is endless. Also, there are countless websites where you can compare product prices, specifications, extra features, deals and a lot more. One such website is Compare.Pk, where you can select an item and compare it with similar items of other brands for specifications and prices. All this not only provides convenience to customers but also exposes them to a very huge market for buying the most appropriate item.

In conclusion, it can be unambiguously agreed upon that the advancement in e-buying has resulted in convenience for buyers. One only has to select and order an item and it arrives at his doorstep. Also, the available options for a single commodity are endless, so that a person can compare and buy the best.

(Written by Narmeen Habib)

Corrected Essay:

With the advent of technological advancement, 21st century has witnessed a boom in e-commerce the number of online shopping websites is increasing exponentially. Shopping online has its upsides and downsides but the positives of this technological blessing far outweighs its negatives. The positive impacts on online shopping undermine its negative sides because the advanced technology can save our time and give more options for purchasing.

  • The opening paragraph does not contain a clear thesis statement. It is important to tell what you are going to talk about and where you are positioning on the views.

  • Phrases ‘a boom in e commerce’ and ‘is increasing exponentially’ have similar meaning. It is better to keep it in short, but clear sentence.

Firstly, online shopping saves one from travel and traffic problems. Online shopping does not require people to travel. I live in the outskirts of Karachi and commuting to the city for buying stuff is not an easy task for me. Further, Karachi is an overly-populated city with the worst traffic situation, all this makes it more difficult to travel. As living in Karachi, an over-populated city with its congestion problems, many citizens like me have to overcome difficult situation only for buying stuff in the city centre. This problem is hugely resolved by the e-buying facility. Everything is simply a click away, whether it is groceries, air tickets, clothes or books. Whatever I order is duly received at my doorstep, without my having to embark on long, hectic shopping-trips. This platform enables consumers to experience shopping activities in simple ways. Take the biggest e-commerce in the word, eBay which provides wide varieties of products, for example. As a student, I often ordered books, air tickets, and fashion items. Likewise, many housewives in my neighbourhood prefer to purchase groceries through this website. If eBay was never exist before, buyers like us might have to spend longer times taking long trips to get our shopping lists. This example tells about how an effective shopping is advantageous as a time saver.

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    Firstly is ommited as the topic sentence is not too clear enough to represent the main idea.

  • The use of ‘I’ in your example does not cover people’ problems in general, so I have changed ‘I’ into ‘many citizen like me’

  • Everything is simply a click away needs to be elaborated. Please see the changes.

  • You only mention groceries, air tickets, clothes or books without giving explanation. If you want to score higher, it is your task to present your ideas in details. I have made some detailed explanations with this.

Secondly, Another benefit is that buying things items on the internet serves unlimited choices provides you with a wide range of options. Consider yourself in a gigantic super-mart having access to every type of item you can imagine! On the internet there is no physical space limitation, therefore the variety available for a single item is endless. Also, there are countless websites where you can compare product prices, specifications, extra features, and deals and a lot more. One such website is Compare.Pk, where you can select an item and compare it with similar items of other brands for specifications and prices. All this not only provides convenience to customers but also exposes them to a very huge market for buying the most appropriate item.

  • You need to link both main ideas in the first sentence using transitional phrase. But remember, reliance too much on this will score you lower. Use them when necessary.

  • The word ‘things’ is a weak lexical resource. It is better to use some alternative vocabs like stuff, items, daily needs, etc.

  • A wide range of options have been mentioned in the intro, you need to paraphase it. Serves unlimited choices.

  • You do not need to use exclamation mark. Present your sentence in a smooth way.

  • Consider yourself in a gigantic super-mart having access to every type of item you can imagine!.This sentence also does not make a sense.

  • And a lot more is vague. You’d better omit this phrase.

In conclusion, it can be unambiguously agreed upon it is true that the advancement in e-buying has resulted in convenience for buyers. One only has to select and order an item and it arrives at his doorstep. Also, the available options for a single commodity are endless, so that a person can compare and buy the best.

  • You have to summarise your main points and reiterate your opinion. Some ideas presented are sidetrack.

  • Your opinion does not state your opinion clearly.

  • It can be unambiguously agreed upon is counted as 6 words. It is always good to be succinct and keep straight to the point.

  • Let me give you an example of this: In conclusion, the disadvantages of e-commerce trend are overshadowed by the benefits resulting from modern technology. I am convinced that online shopping is one of great innovations of people doing transaction as it reduces time and provides more options.

Words: 303

Overall: 7.0

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· Task Response: 7

✓ addresses all parts of the task (the author wrote 303 words)

✗ presents a clear position throughout the response (the way you present your idea in the intro is too generic)

✓ presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to overgeneralise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus

· Coherence and Cohesion: 6

✓ arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression

✓ uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical

✓ may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately

✗ uses paragraphing, but not always logically ( missing links between intro and conclusion)

Lexical Resource: 7

✓uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision

✓uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation

✓may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation

Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

✓ uses a variety of complex structures

✓ has produces frequent error-free sentences

✓ has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors

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This essay is corrected by Eddy Suaib.

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